My Story
If you’re like me, you may have never heard of intrusive thoughts before. Even though I am trained as a counselor and have been practicing for years, somehow the concept of intrusive thoughts never came up in my schooling. Intrusive thoughts can be defined as thoughts, ideas, or images that come to mind that are unwanted and sometimes very disturbing. The reason why I wanted to write about this topic in particular is to help someone feel less alone. Like I said before, I had no idea what they were…until I experienced them for myself.
Along comes my daughter…
I had my daughter in March 2023—one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences of my life. Her birth didn’t go as planned (a story for another time), but I came home with a healthy baby and excitement to begin motherhood. With a strong support system, I felt ready for the sleepless nights and everything that comes with a newborn. Postpartum is known for giving mothers intense hormonal shifts that can lead to anxious and depressive symptoms. My daughter’s pediatrician would give me a depression scale whenever I took her to an appointment and my scores were always fine. I did not describe myself as anxious nor depressed, but I knew that something was not exactly right.
I remember my first intrusive thought vividly. My daughter was about two weeks old, and as I carried her down the stairs, I suddenly pictured myself falling and crushing her. I stopped and said out loud, “What in the world?” The thought felt random and deeply unsettling.
After that, I had frequent thoughts of my body giving out while holding her, leading to injury. Some were so vivid and disturbing I won’t describe them. Thankfully, they’ve mostly faded, though they still happen occasionally.
Intrusive Thoughts
Intrusive thoughts can vary in content. Some people have thoughts of harming another person, his or herself, or just something that is generally disturbing. Intrusive thoughts rarely actually come true, but that does not mean that it makes them less bothersome. I am in a unique situation, as many of my close friends are also counselors. I shared with some of my closest friends what I experienced, which helped alleviate the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts can make you feel as if you are going crazy, since they can be so disturbing and so out of character. I knew that letting my thoughts fester in isolation would only make them worse, so I knew it was imperative that I tell someone about them. I was not a risk to myself nor others, but I wanted to bring my dark experiences into the light.
Mindfulness
Along with talking to friends, I practiced mindfulness to manage intrusive thoughts. Each day, I took slow, deep breaths, helping me relax and feel grounded. I also used visualization, imagining the thoughts leaving and peace taking their place.
I rely on a simple mantra during hard moments—“I am safe. I am a good mom.”—to counter those thoughts and remind myself of the truth. Speaking truth over yourself makes it easier to replace unhelpful thoughts.
I wanted to share a part of my story so that other postpartum mother’s might feel less alone. I am a counselor and was not immune to intrusive thoughts infiltrating my own life. If you find yourself confused on where to go next, I have an option for you! My coworkers, Michelle and Jessica, are hosting a group specifically for postpartum mothers starting this Summer! Group therapy is a great way that you can express your thoughts, feelings, fears, and everything in between in a safe and caring environment. Shame thrives in isolation, so I encourage you to share your experiences with other trustworthy people. Seeking out an individual counselor is always a good option too. Becoming a first time mother or adding onto your family is no small feat, so take the time to pour into yourself and your mental health – you’re worth it!
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