Written by Michelle Anderson
Personal boundaries are limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. Boundaries include our bodies, property, emotions, preferences, opinions, time, and spiritual beliefs. They define where you end and another person begins—like a fence marking where your yard stops and your neighbor’s starts (aka, where you can stop weeding!). Boundaries help us recognize what we are responsible for and what we can change, while also clarifying what we are not responsible for and cannot change.
People With Healthy Boundaries
People with healthy boundaries can ask for what they want and say “no” when needed, while also respecting the limits of others. Boundaries create a clear sense of self, helping you stay aligned with your values and protected from harmful situations. For example, if someone acts aggressively, a boundaried person can recognize, “I don’t like that,” and respond accordingly. I will spend less time with this person (take responsibility to change their own behavior).”
Boundaries help us feel safe in close relationships. When others respect them, we can let down our guard without fear of losing ourselves. As Cloud and Townsend (2002) write, “When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom.”
There are three ways we navigate boundaries. We can implement boundaries in rigid, porous, and healthy ways.
- Rigid: This type of boundary holding tends to avoid intimacy and close relationships, tends to be protective over personal information, and keeps others at distance in fear of getting hurt or rejected. I like to think of this trait as the great wall of China-nothing can get through!
- Porous: This type of boundary style often involves oversharing personal information, depending heavily on others’ opinions, and fearing rejection if you don’t comply with what others want. It can leave you feeling drained and allow others to influence your life in ways that may not align with who you truly are.
- Healthy: This type is the ultimate goal! Healthy boundaries allow us to value others’ thoughts and opinions while recognizing they belong to them. They also help us identify and communicate our own wants and needs, and accept when others say no.
Here are a few ways to set boundaries for yourself:
- State how you care about the person and why setting this boundary is important for you.
- Clearly state what you want (or don’t want).
- Negotiate. Give the person options around respecting this boundary.
- Expect push back. Whenever we set a boundary, others will bump up against it as they learn where the boundary is (and to see if you’re really serious about it). Expect others to test your boundary and hold firm (without resentment).
- If this person can’t respect your boundary, be specific around consequences and what you can tolerate.
Setting boundaries is a skill that we can all learn. If you need some support in figuring out where boundaries are needed or how to establish them in your life, call me to set up an appointment at 720-935-2663.
(2016) What are personal boundaries?. www.therapistaid.com
