A WORD FROM Dr Veronica…
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Wouldn’t it be great to live without fear?
GUILT and SHAME | by Marissa Halstead
People often will use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Someone might use these words whenever they feel a negative emotion that persists and leads someone to turn inward. Both are important and impact us in different ways, but their differences are significant. When I entered my undergraduate degree program, I had no idea that guilt and shame had a difference. My college professor said a sentence that changed how I viewed this topic: “Guilt is when you feel as if you have done something wrong. Shame on the other hand, is when you feel like you within yourself is what is wrong.” The difference is subtle, but SO impactful.
First, let’s talk about guilt. Guilt, although does not feel positive, can be used for positive change. In Christian circles I have heard guilt also phrased as “conviction” and “a tool to reveal sin.” Even if someone does not identify as a Christian, they were most likely raised to not cheat, steal, or do other things that are generally, culturally frowned upon. You may have heard guilt referred to as your “conscience” to do good deeds. Guilt is a way that God can tell us that we did something wrong and we should make it right. If you yell at your spouse during an argument and then feel immediately bad about it, what you are experiencing is guilt. You can apologize, state what you did was wrong, and then make a choice next time to be more honorable in your word choice and tone of voice. Where this situation can turn into shame is if you find yourself having thoughts like, “I am a terrible person, how could he/she ever love me…” Thoughts like this are an example of shame. Do you see how quickly guilt can turn into shame? It is easy to allow our thoughts and beliefs to slip into this pattern.
What I have noticed in my personal life is that guilt is a tool that leads me into repentance and making right the wrongs in my life. Thoughts and beliefs of shame often lead us into deeper isolation, fear, and self-hatred.
In short, guilt is usually a good thing that sparks positive change in our behavior, while shame only tends to bring us down. When in a shame cycle, we often think thoughts and believe things about ourselves that only bring us further into isolation and fear. Shame leads us into hiding, while Jesus and His Gospel are meant to lead us into freedom!
I have overheard people say, “I just need to shame myself into not eating that donut,” or comments that are similar to this. It does not need to be about food, but how often do we find ourselves thinking like this? “I am so awful, I need to not do ____,” and fill in the blank with a number of things. We tend to beat ourselves down in hopes that we make positive changes in our lives, but this is not helpful NOR how God Himself relates to us.
If we shame ourselves, we cannot expect a positive outcome from a negative self-belief. One of the most popular Bible verses of all time is John 3:16. BUT, I would like to include verse 17 too. John 3:16-17 (ESV) states,16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” If you are in Christ, God Himself does not condemn you, so why would it make sense to condemn yourself?
If you are struggling with shame, here are some practical steps that you can take to help overcome it.
1) Be mindful of how you speak to yourself
Our inner dialogue matters! You cannot expect positive change out of a belief system that is inherently negative towards yourself.
2) Develop self-compassion
Everyone makes mistakes! This is something that we’ve all heard since we were kids, but really…everyone makes mistakes. We can learn from the past and move forward in a healthy way.
3) Seek support
Whether you speak to a trusted friend or a licensed therapist, support is important! Overcoming shame is possible, we were never meant to live life on our own.
If you read this and feel like guilt and shame are negatively affecting your life, reach out to Envision today! Every therapist at Envision is committed and passionate about facilitating healing for you and your loved ones. We are here for you – call today to get on the schedule!
