I work a lot with folks who battle with shame. A key truth about shame is that it lies. But the lies it comes up with are super sophisticated: they are based on truth – but only a very little bit of truth. Then shame brings our focus to only see that one little bit of the truth. The problem is that when we focus only on that one little bit of the truth, it becomes a lie.
Imagine, that the larger circle is the whole truth. Work with me here… I’m a psychologist, not a graphic designer. For example, imagine that the big circle describes your whole experience as a parent. From the very beginnings of when you began to imagine being a parent to the very end of your days on this planet.
Then that one time that your child made you lose your mind after he pushed all of your buttons and showed no remorse and then smiled in response to your madness…. That’s the little red circle. (Like an ugly zit on an alabaster complexion.)
Later that night, the outburst is over, but the guilt isn’t. Your mind replays everything you wish you’d said instead. You imagine the neighbors judging you and wonder if you’ve completely failed as a parent.
That’s when shame takes over. It fixates on your worst moment until it’s all you can see. It whispers that you’re ruining your child, that you’re a terrible parent, and that maybe you should just give up.
That’s the voice of shame—not the whole truth.
Yes, you blew it. But so has everyone else. You’ve also responded with patience countless times. And God knows your brokenness completely—He knows you cannot fix yourself, which is why we need Jesus.
Shame tells only part of the story, and a partial truth becomes a lie.
When shame takes over, remember this: shame lies. Ask yourself, What truth is missing? Shame wants to choke the life out of you. Don’t let it.
May 2020
Dr. Veronica Johnson, Psychologist and Co-Owner of Envision Counseling Clinic
