Lonely?
Are you single and lonely? Don’t get married. Seriously – If you get married, you’ll be married and lonely
Are you married and lonely? Don’t get divorced. I not messing with you – if you get a divorce, you’ll be single and lonely. (Though you’ll probably remarry and get to be married and lonely again soon enough.)
Neither marriage nor divorce takes away the reality of loneliness.
Now, if you marry or divorce, you will probably find relief for a period of time. You’ll feel better for a bit, but I promise you the loneliness monster will come back.
Loneliness is a reality in our world that we face no matter what our relationship status on Facebook. Single, lonely, introverted, extroverted, one friend, 100 friends…we all have to face the fact that we are not fused with another human. No one will ever really understand what we are going through. No person can connect with us long enough to keep us from that emptiness we call loneliness.
Dr. Edith Eger, a holocaust survivor and immigrant to America, wrote about her decision to divorce in her book, The Choice. After divorcing her husband of decades, she realized she was blaming her husband for an unhappiness that resided in her. Dr. Eger knew suffering to a level most of us will never experience. Despite this suffering, and maybe because of her suffering, she insisted that we are responsible for making our own joy. She realized she had to face the monster inside – single or married – before she could live life well. (You’ll have to read the book to find out what happens with her marriage!)
Now that I’ve taken away your hope of not feeling lonely AND I’ve mentioned the holocaust, maybe I could bring up some good news?
Not yet.
Dr. Eger says we’re responsible for our own joy. What does this mean? Does it mean that her oppressors are off the hook (and not responsible) for killing her family and destroying her life? Nope. But it does mean that she gets to choose what’s next (hence the book title: The Choice). What will you choose?
Ok, now some good news. The good news is that you’re not alone in loneliness. You’re not lonely because you are wrong or unlovable or bad. You are lonely because you are human and it is ok to feel lonely. In fact, feeling lonely means you are alive. Feeling lonely is meant to drive you to something more in your life.
We were created by a God who wants to know us and who wants to be known. While God isn’t tangible at times, faith in a Being that is with us at ALL times is foundational to facing the lonely monster.
So feel lonely – as Meg Ryan says in French Kiss – “swim in it, till your fingers get all pruny.” Let it drive you to your Creator God. Let it drive you to have a voice-to-voice conversation with a friend. Let it drive you to get involved in a group of other humans who are all grappling with loneliness. But don’t let loneliness drive you to marriage or divorce. It won’t help.
At Envision, we strive to help folks make good choices in the midst of loneliness. We also try to help folks hold off from making choices that will make things worse. If you need help with either of these, reach out to us at 720-WELCOME.
Written by Veronica Johnson, PsyD
August 25, 2025
