Written by Veronica Johnson
November 10, 2022
Have you noticed that social media binges leave you feeling empty? Like junk food, it satisfies an immediate craving but not the deeper need. It may ease loneliness for a moment, but it can’t replace meaningful connection. Instead of feeling truly known, we often end up craving more attention and approval.
Real-life relationships can meet needs that social media never will. They won’t erase every longing for connection, but they can ease the deeper ache of disconnection. The challenge? We’re out of practice. It’s easier to text than call and safer to hide behind a screen. Can I get an amen?
Face-to-face relationships can feel intimidating because they’re harder. We have to respond in real time, without editing or hiding behind a screen. Many of us are comfortable with casual interactions, but we’ve lost practice at deeper connection. We struggle to ask curious questions, listen well, or disagree with kindness and respect.
So these next few blogs are going to be a refresher course on tips for relating to other humans in real life. We’ll talk about some basics, then we’ll attempt to set our expectations at realistic levels. Finally, we’ll give some tips on asking questions to connect more meaningfully with those around us.
- Reduce Social Media. Remember when your mom told you not to ruin your appetite by snacking before a meal? You won’t feel a need to relate IRL if you’re filling the urge with social media. Notice when you hop online…what were you feeling just then? Is it possible you might feel alone (and want to share your joyful moment with someone) or maybe you feel bored (and want someone to engage with)? Do you feel insecure (and need to prove your worth)? Our emotions are designed to motivate us. Loneliness, boredom, and insecurity can all motivate you to reach out to others. If you numb your feelings (aka ruin your appetite) through social media, then you’ll never feel the reason to move beyond your comfort zone.
- Get together in person. Sebastian Maniscalco, a stand-up comedian, has a bit about how his mother used to keep an Entenmann’s coffee cake in the house just in case company would drop by. In his funny, physical way, he contrasts that historical account with today’s tendency to hide in shock when someone rings our doorbell. To relate IRL, you may have to leave your home. You might need to invite someone to your house. You don’t have to spend money, but you do need to have a face and a body in proximity to you.
- Give eye contact. So much is communicated nonverbally through our eyes. Respect, curiosity, empathy, care… are all conveyed through our eyes more than our words. Now, disdain, condescension, and anger can also be communicated through our eyes. Perhaps this is why we might avoid eye contact in general. Self-protection is a powerful teacher. Nevertheless, take a risk and look your friend, relative, or coworker in the eye. Hold the eye contact a second longer than you feel comfortable with and expand your ability to look other people in the eye. Generally, you’ll want to give more eye contact when you are listening. When you’re talking, people expect you to look around occasionally, especially as you think and process what you want to say.
- Include others in the conversation. One habit that grieves me is watching two people continue their conversation while someone nearby wants to join but receives no invitation. Sometimes this reflects social differences, but often it’s simply a lack of awareness—and that’s something we can grow in.
- Pay attention to the person edging closer. It takes courage to enter a conversation, and they’re looking for the same connection you are. Make room by opening your circle, introducing them if needed, briefly catching them up, and inviting them into the discussion.
- Let’s become people who make connection easier, not harder.
It doesn’t escape me that I’m typing these tips on Relating IRL through a screen. Please forgive my use of the virtual world to urge you into the real world. I want us humans to be together in the ways we was meant to: in person.
More to come on having realistic expectations for IRL experiences.
