Move Past Anger: Go Switzerland in Your Relationships
When we are frustrated with someone we love, it is easy to see them as all bad. We describe them with negative labels and see these traits as never changing. For instance:
- my husband is clueless
- my mom is prickly
- my boss is aloof
In addition to being negative, these statements bring a lot of negative emotion with them. The person who holds them may feel frustrated or hurt. The person they hold it against may feel criticized or misunderstood. These labels become a block in our relationships and they make everyone feel lousy.
Neutral Descriptions Change Everything
Negative descriptors may be accurate some of the time, but they are not the whole story. Even true narcissists are charming some of the time. A descriptor of someone should be able to give room for both positive and negative traits. Every personality trait has both pros and cons. When we focus on a more neutral description, we’re able to appreciate the positives and (eventually) accept the negatives.
Exercise: Consider someone you have given a negative label. Find the neutral character trait that can be a more complete description of them.
- Start with the negative trait that comes to mind (baby steps). Maybe you know someone who talks too much. They talk over you. They have something to say about everything. They are a know-it-all.
- Next, where has that personality trait been helpful? Maybe this person has made connections with others that you never would have talked with. Maybe this person actually has information about something you needed help with. (Don’t you just hate that?)
- Now, try to figure out the descriptor that encompasses both the negative and positive aspects. In this case, we have talking a lot, knowing a lot, connecting with others, and having needed information. This could be described as knowledgeable.
At times, knowledgeable comes off as know-it-all. But using a more neutral descriptor, like knowledgeable, recognizes the benefits that come as well. Even just saying knowledgeable instead of know-it-all, results in a very different emotional impact.
Neutral takes you from Anger to Acceptance
Here’s another example: my husband finds flaws in others (myself included, if you can believe it). He sometimes responds to family texts with pedantic corrections. Normally, I am annoyed by his criticism and the potential effect it has on others. “Critical” is the negative trait that comes to my mind.
Yet, the same ability he has to find flaws can also find solutions. He has organized and sustained a 4-family carpool arrangement. He is able to understand and respond to our accountant’s questions about our taxes. Both abilities have been helpful to our family.
One descriptor that takes the pros and the cons is that he is detail-oriented. This description is neither a praise nor a criticism – it’s neutral.
Now, when one of my husband’s text responses starts to annoy me, I tell myself, “This personality trait does my taxes….this personality trait does my taxes.” Believe it or not, I didn’t feel the usual frustration. I don’t think less of him in that moment. I might roll my eyes a little, but I also accept him in a new way.
Acceptance = Relationship Joy
When we accept our person – the pros and cons of their personality – it’s far less distressing when the cons rear their head. We no longer need to criticize them or change them or get them to understand how they are wrong. We accept them. It’s better for them and it’s better for us. It’s relationship joy.
And isn’t being accepted what we want too? Imagine someone reducing you to one negative word. Yuck. So let’s not do that to others. Let’s find the neutral description and accept that your person will show both pros and cons. You’ll feel calmer. Your person will feel loved. Your relationship can work. Regardless of what soccer team you support, it’s better to go Switzerland when it comes to personality traits.
Written By: Veronica Johnson, Licensed Psychologist
