Written by Dr. Veronica Johnson November 13, 2025
It’s that time of year when schools in our area try to convince us to send our children to them. We just attended a school event that was better than any sales presentation I’ve ever been a part of. Truly, there are many great schools with specialized pathways and programs to get kids to college and career. Sometimes it can be hard to decide which school is best. Sometimes we parents are tempted to have our child make the decision for us.
Forever ago, I watched an old black-and-white movie in which the leading lady collapsed into her man’s arms with a hand over her forehead and pleaded with a fainting voice, “I want you to make the decisions for me!” I have tried this with my husband, alas the effect is not as helpful as in the movie… Making a decision is hard; our choice can have hard consequences. I would rather have someone else make the decision and then I can blame them when it goes down bad.
In fact, it is objectively hard to make a decision. Did you know that the root word for decide – CIDE – is the same root word as genocide, homicide, and suicide? To decide is to kill off an option, and we Americans love our options. (Have you been down the cereal aisle?) But too many options can be detrimental to us. See this great TED talk about the Paradox of Choice.
Too much choice can paralyze us, and this is especially true when it comes to our children. Some choices in themselves are paralyzing for kids because it’s beyond what they are developmentally able to handle. We don’t ask 8-month olds to choose what they eat. We don’t ask 12-year olds to choose who to marry. Likewise, we should not ask our child what elementary, middle or high school they should go to. It is beyond their developmental abilities.
When our son was entering middle school, he begged us to go to a particular school because a beloved teacher was going to teach at that school. As it turned out, that teacher ended up leaving a few months into the school year. Kids are more short-sighted and prioritize less relevant issues because that’s their developmental level. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is why kids need parents. Parents are able to see beyond the immediate desires (e.g. my friends go there, I’ll be more comfortable, etc.) and take the important factors into consideration.
Schooling requires adult-brain abilities. Kids intuitively know they don’t have all the information. There are too many categories for a child to consider, some of which they would have no awareness of:
- the family’s finances
- the ability to drive to a school every day, twice a day
- the proximity of the schools
- the location of schools where siblings attend
- the family’s ability to attend multiple “Back to School” nights and parent-teacher conferences (Introverts Unite!!)
- the ability for a parent’s sanity to handle multiple, chaotic lightning dismissals (not my strong point…)
Without the brain ability and without all the information, having a child make a choice about schooling will lead them to anxiety. They will worry that it’s not a good decision and if something hard happens (which of course it will – this is life), they will believe it is their fault because of the choice they made. This ego-centrism is normal for youth, which is why parents make the big decisions and hold responsibility for what happens. Parents are able to make sense of things in a less ego-centric, more adaptive way.
Parents, you know your time and resource limitations. You are able to emotionally hold the consequences of your decisions (as hard as it is). Imagine your child fainting into your arms, asking you to make the decision for them. Smile, roll your eyes, and do the dirty work for them. You’ll do a good job of it.
Dr. Veronica Johnson is a Licensed Psychologist, engaging public speaker, and co-owner of Envision Counseling Clinic. Beware though, she’s not the kind of therapist that will just help you feel better. As she gets to know you, she’ll challenge you to make some changes that will actually help you be better.
