By: Veronica Johnson, Licensed Psychologist
October 6th, 2025
Do you remember when we were kids and people would say that when you point the finger at someone else, there are 4 other fingers pointing back at you? I know, it was annoying. But there is some truth to it…especially in marriage. When we blame our spouse for our unhappiness or distress or dissatisfaction, there are four other fingers that remind us to shift our focus to our self. This is absolutely the hardest thing for couples to do in marriage counseling.
It Is just so gratifying, so easy to see why the problem is your spouse’s fault. On the other hand, it is so uncomfortable, so vulnerable to look at our own part of the problem. (I shudder even now as I think about it.) One reason we don’t like to look at ourselves is because we fear our hopes and desires for our relationship become less valid. For example, if my spouse and I are fighting pretty intensely, it is easy to say we are fighting because he’s (fill in the blank): ignoring me, a jerk, selfish. Come on, we can always explain why someone else is unreasonable.
But if I have to look at my part in the conflict, it feels like I might need to give up what I am fighting for in the first place (help, acknowledgment, deeper connection) and I don’t want that to happen! We fight because we value what we are fighting for. We don’t want to let go of the blame, because we don’t want to let go of what we are fighting for. The risk feels too great.
We don’t like to focus on our part of the conflict because we want what we want. That and humility is a hard pill to swallow.
There’s a problem with holding onto the blame-plan: It is human nature to defend ourselves. (It has nothing to do with narcissism.) If someone blames you for something, you will naturally defend yourself. (Right now, you may even feel a need to defend that you don’t defend yourself! I know… I’m right there with you.) It’s human. So when we blame our spouse, we PULL for them to defend. We are contributing to the conflict. But what else can we do? (I mean besides eat donuts, which is clearly the right course of action!)
The One Thing You Can Do To Save Your Marriage
Take responsibility for you. Own what is going on for you. Here’s how:
1. Know what you are feeling without reference to what your spouse is doing or not doing. If you feel angry – figure out what the underlying emotion is (Hint: it’s not because of your spouse. There’s something deeper and more vulnerable there). If you are feeling lonely, acknowledge that. If you are sad, afraid, or feeling out of control: admit it. Emotions are functional – they tell us that something needs to happen. We often expect our spouse to know what this feeling is, but they don’t. It lives inside of you. Taking responsibility for you means knowing what’s going on in you.
2. Do something about it. Since you know what is going on for you (because you’re a quick learner), you can to do something about it. Remember, emotions are functional – they tell us something needs to be done. If I am sad that my husband is not paying attention to me, I can ask for attention. If I’m feeling mistreated, I can say, “Stop it.” If I’m feeling overworked, I can decide what pieces will be left undone so that I can experience some rest. We often get frustrated with our spouse because they aren’t doing something to make us feel better.
Good news / Bad news: It’s not their job to make us feel better.
It’s not our spouse’s job to make us feel better.
At first this can feel yucky (this is the bad news part). We want someone who will make us feel better. Everything would be fine if…
- if my spouse would just take me on a date
- If my spouse would just have sex with me
- If my spouse would just listen
- If my spouse would just stop complaining
However, controlling others isn’t sustainable. Ultimately, our spouse is unable to do everything we want and we end up feeling bad and resentful that they aren’t trying hard enough. Then the person we love the most because our enemy.
The good news part is that we don’t have to feel stuck in our bad feelings. We don’t have to make our spouse the enemy. We can do something about the bad situation we are in. Even in very rough situations like severe addictions, the non-addicted spouse has to learn that her or she has the power to do something about the situation. Even if their spouse never gives up the substance (or activity), the non-addicted spouse is responsible for his or her own emotions.
There is actually great hope in this. There is hope, there is power, and most importantly, there is the hope of connection. When we take down the pointing finger, our spouse doesn’t have to defend themselves (and move away from us). They can come close and support us (though this is not a guarantee it will happen – it just gives the best possibility of it happening).
When we address our emotion in effective ways, we grow in maturity and perseverance.
James 1:2-5 says, “Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
If you are not sure how you are contributing to the difficulties in your marriage, ask the Lord for wisdom. He knows how you learn best and will show you just how you need to be shown. (He often uses sarcasm with me….)
This PDF gives a brief overview of these ideas – feel free to take it and pass it along!
