Written By: Dr. Veronica Johnson, Licensed Psychologist
September 3, 2025
Tell Yourself “No.”
I’ve written about telling your kids “no,” and I’ve written about times we need to tell our spouse “no,” but I have yet to write about telling yourself “no.” This may be the hardest one of all! I can tell other people “no” all day long, but set a pastry in front of me at 3 pm? Let’s just say my will-power is weak! Setting limits for ourselves is hard work, particularly as we become more affluent. (If we can afford it, we believe that we should have it.) Plus, the opportunities to say “no” are endless.
- No, I won’t watch that popular, edgy Netflix show (even though it is hilarious).
- No, I won’t yell at my kid right now. (Later maybe….)
- No, I won’t look at that woman a little longer.
- No, I won’t buy another outfit I don’t need.
Why is it important to tell ourselves no?
But why would I limit myself? Why not follow my instincts? Ultimately, anything the Bible upholds as a fruit of the spirit (aka self-control) is based in love. If you allow yourself to eat whatever you want, are you loving your family? (Health problems are always family problems.) If you go out with your friends another night this week, are you loving your spouse? (Or leaving childcare and house management to them?) If you consistently let yourself dwell on how you are right and others are wrong, are you loving your neighbors?
The right answer here is “no.” (It’s like a theme.) We need to tell ourselves “no” so we can love others.
Why is it hard to tell ourselves no?
Saying “no” to ourselves is self-discipline – and self-discipline is a process that’s required all the long days of our life. What we want may change from season to season, but the process of self-discipline will remain. Our bodies, our minds will always want more than we should have. As an old favorite musician of mine (Mike Roe) sings, “The lust, the flesh, the eyes and the pride of life drain the life right out of me.” It is tiring to tell ourselves “no.”
Our existence on earth is filled with boredom, struggle, and pain. We will always be tempted to escape from reality in some way. Fulfilling our desires (or attempting to fulfill them) can help us escape, even if only for a little while. Choosing to not escape (by telling ourselves “no”) is a choice to stay in the real, every-day struggle of life. It is to choose to stay present even when we don’t want to.
Ultimately, we’re talking about sacrificial love. By telling ourselves “no” we are loving others sacrificially. We are sacrificing our SELF. This is a hard thing to do. But denying our self is also a very worthwhile thing to do. Love (sacrifice) leads to life – life for you, your family, and your community.
How do I learn how to say “no” to myself? (And then agree with myself…)
Always, you will find that my answer to “How do I grow” is: Relationship. In an old book by two fantastic Christian psychologists How People Grow, Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote about the necessity of including others in the development of self-discipline. They wrote that it is impossible to tell yourself “no” unless you’ve been told “no” by someone else. Of course, the key to being told “no” is also having that person hold to consequences if you overstep their boundary. Our first step is to accept the “no” set by other people. You might hear no from parents (let’s hope!), but you’ll also hear it from coaches, teachers, pastors, employers, neighbors, employees, spouses… You’ll hear no a lot. So that’s not really the whole solution is it?
In addition to having people in our lives who tell us “no,” we need to guide our thought process once we are told “no.”
- Do you explain to yourself why you should be able to do what you want?
- Do you tell yourself this person doesn’t have your best interest at heart?
- Do you try to find the loophole to be able to still do what you want? (You can ask my kids about this – they’re experts.)
Instead of taking those thought paths (which are soothing, at least for a little while), the goal is to accept the no. We can remind ourselves that the person telling us “no” is for us. We can remind ourselves of the person we are choosing to love by saying “no” to ourselves. We can remind ourselves that it is virtuous and admirable to deny ourselves for the sake of love. There is good in saying “no.” Learn to accept other’s no and you are on the path of accepting your own no.
Remember, Jesus doesn’t tell us to do things for no good reason. Here’s what he says about telling ourselves “no.” Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” (Luke 9:23-25)
Telling yourself no matters.
