Written by Dr. Natalie Van Dusen
People often tell me that arguments with their partners are so scary for them that they would do anything in order to avoid them. And when they find themselves faced with upset partners, they panic. They anticipate the conflict will lead only to increased hurt.
One of the most common reasons individuals fear conflict within relationships is that something happens to one or both of them that prevents effective dialogue. According to researcher John Gottman, in Why Marriages Succeed and Fail (1995) , people often experience emotional “flooding” during conflict.
Flooding is a term used to describe an experience of the nervous system being literally flooded by cortisol and adrenaline, hormones excreted in response to stress. When this happens, the sympathetic nervous system is triggered and the body is in “fight or flight” mode. Flooding happens in communication when people feel overwhelmed by more than one negative emotion. They feel trapped, as though there is no way to win, so they either “fight” or completely withdraw within.
Attempts to argue when one person is flooded will have only negative consequences. That person’s focus will be narrowed for self-preservation, and thinking will be distorted. Empathy will be nearly impossible, and people will likely say or do things that they otherwise would not. It is important to note that feeling strong emotion does not necessarily signify flooding. Strong emotions can serve as guideposts leading to important insights about ourselves and our relationships. But it is well worth learning to recognize flooding if and when it does occur in an effort to support and sustain a connected relationship.
How do I recognize flooding?
- Intense feelings of overwhelm, panic, threat, or feelings of being trapped
- The stomach tightens and facial muscles constrict
- Fists clenching
- “Turned-away” body language
- Speech disturbances, such as repeating oneself or stuttering
- And most importantly, an elevated heart rate (usually above 100 beats per minute)
What do I do when I notice one of us has become flooded?
Take a break. I recommend letting your partner know you are experiencing flooding (or are noticing your partner is experiencing flooding), and need to take a break. Give yourself at least 20 minutes to calm down. Some individuals may need visual separation from their partner for a brief period of time in order to fully return to a state of calm. Practice self-soothing to help restore your physiology (this does not mean your emotions have to go away!). Some ideas include:
- Breath slow, deep, even breaths—elongate the exhale if possible
- Imagine yourself in a calm, relaxing place
- Practice Progressive Muscle Relaxation (as an Envision therapist what this is!)
- Take a walk, or take a bath/shower
- Listen to calming music, light a candle, or pet your dog/cat
When should I resume the discussion?
It is important that both partners know that the conversation will be resumed, so that neither feels abandoned or disregarded. I recommend waiting no longer than 2 hours, when possible. While taking a break and calming your nervous system, it helps to remind yourself that this is a relationship with someone you care about. You are not in a life-or-death situation that requires you to be ready for fight or flight. Once the heart rate drops below 100, it is likely safe to return to the discussion, but continue to watch for signs of flooding.
The goal is not to become emotionless or even avoid strong emotion. The goal is to be able to clearly express your own emotions, and to be able to empathetically understand your partner’s emotions as well. It is not easy to step away and hit pause on a conversation, but it is much better than fighting while flooded. I recommend you commit to each other that you will not communicate when one partner is flooded, and instead pause to calm down first.
Questions for Reflection
Have you experienced flooding during interactions with your partner? What tends to make you feel flooded? Are there signs in your body that you are flooded? Has this happened to your or your partner in past intimate relationships?
