Class Dismissed
Written By: Timi Schuessler, LPC
I’ve been thinking of the word dismissed lately. Depending on the context and the meaning, it can feel really really good, or really really bad. As I observed all of the graduation signs in yards this past May, I smiled as I thought of just how wonderful those two little words “Class Dismissed” can feel. Most students look forward to hearing these words with eager anticipation. Especially those for whom the school year has been long and arduous. Yet as those caps are being tossed into the air, and parties abound, there is another type of being dismissed that doesn’t feel celebratory at all.
The dictionary describes it as being treated unworthy of serious consideration. When this happens in relationships, the message it sends is somewhere along the lines of “You are not important. You don’t matter.” I am quite certain each and everyone of us has experienced feeling dismissed in relationships. And I am just as certain that we have been dismissive of others, often without even realizing it.
Let’s look at a hypothetical example. Mrs. Kettlecamp has spent a long and frustrating summer day at home with her three elementary school age children. Things just haven’t gone well. The sweltering heat hasn’t made it any easier, as it kept the kids sequestered in the house. Mr. Kettlecamp arrives home from work, walks into the kitchen and drops his briefcase on the counter. The Mrs. says “It has been such a long, hard day.” The Mr. asks “Did you pickup my shirts from the dry cleaner? Not really listening, absorbed in his own thoughts and agenda, Mr. K has just dismissed his wife. Now I’m not picking on husbands, because this tendency to be dismissive is not gender specific. I am a wife, and I have been guilty of it many times. Sometimes I have even been defensively dismissive, which is a topic for another time.
Life is busy, schedules are chaotic, and we are human. But I truly believe that if we can learn to recognize when we are being dismissive, as well as when we feel dismissed, we can then have some good conversations about how we can change those patterns of being dismissive.
It seems to me that the antonym to dismissive would be attunement. I like the way Dr. Dan Siegel describes it:
“When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected.”
I want you to take a few moments, and think about the relationships in your life. Are there relationships in which you feel you aren’t really heard? Instead the person across from you is mostly interested in promoting their own opinions and agenda. This never feels good, but when it’s a family member or friend, it stings even more. It is likely that most often when a person is being dismissive, they aren’t even aware of it – until someone has the courage to bring it to their attention.
I work with clients frequently who have experienced some form of being dismissed for as long as they can remember. Lacking attunement from their parents or caregivers, they begin developing an insecure attachment. It is possible they also internalized messages such as I’m not important; I’m not good enough; I lack value. Sad but true, this attachment style and these messages tend to impose themselves on other relationships without a person even being aware of it. But change is possible!
Our Envision therapists can help you navigate and change course with behavior patterns that interfere with the ability to have meaningful, life giving relationships.
